As I have shared in the past, I battle with periodic episodes of angst concerning my children – their today and their tomorrow. One child-related event or the other would occur, triggering bouts of quiet anxiety. Sometimes, other people’s children would face difficult circumstances and I have to stop myself from projecting those negative situations onto my children. After a period of going through these phases, I eventually remember that there is only one answer – rededicating them (again) to God.
I have been in that zone over the last few week and yesterday I finally remembered to do the needful. As I prayed for the children, I felt a leading to read one of my old blog posts, Whose Children are They Anyway.
Whilst reading the post, I reached a realisation that my trust issues regarding the children actually stem from a more general distrust of God. Plain and simple! If I don’t fully trust the Lord, then I can’t fully trust Him with my children.
It’s as if I repeatedly hand them over to Him but linger, with watchful eyes and my arms outstretched, ready to snatch them back whenever I feel He is not handling things properly.
Trust!!
The truth is that I have been trying to actively deal with these trust issues for many years so I am at a loss as to what else I need to do to completely uproot these residual feelings of mistrust. The good thing, however, is that I am sensible enough to know who to turn to in order to get much-needed illumination on the matter. The very same God! 😀
As I spent time in His presence engaging Him on the topic, I sensed that part of the problem was that I had been trying to suppress the feelings of distrust instead of being fully honest and transparent with Him and handing them over to Him. How can I build intimacy and trust if I am not open and honest?!
So, I decided to write to Him.
Father God,
How are you doing today? Thank you so much for loving me and teaching me to love You. Thank You for loving me unconditionally. Lord, thank You for shining Your torch on my heart. I realized today that part of the challenge I am having with trust is because deep down I ask myself, “Is God really good? Is He good through and through or just good part of the time?”
From the message I listened to this week, I know that these thoughts stem from the enemy of my soul. He is getting me to question Your goodness, Your love for me, Your faithfulness. Just as he got Eve to question You with the words, “Did God really say….?” (Genesis 3:1).
Something inside tells me that, as much as I desire one, there is no quick-fix solution. There will not be a simple wave of a wand resulting in all the distrust vanishing. If I am honest with myself, I know it’s going to be a process – a process that starts with a bucket load of forgiveness; forgiveness of You. A process of honesty; honesty about the times and seasons where I have felt let down by You. Where I have felt You dropped the ball. Where I have felt You didn’t look out for me or my loved one(s) the way I would have wanted or expected.
Is it me or am I sensing that You’re inviting me to do just that? To come boldly to Your throne of grace to tell You how I really feel about certain things. Is it me or do I hear You say that every area of my heart, of my life, where I hide my true feelings from You, is an area I am shielding or covering from You? An area I am telling You to keep out of, I am saying to You, “Thus far and no further!” An area I am denying you permission to deal with, to touch, to bring healing.
Father God, over time I think I have buried some of these issues so deeply within my heart that I am not even conscious that I’ve been covering them from You. Could You please shine Your light brighter on those areas so we can work on them together; so I can let go of the anger, bitterness and resentment I secretly hold towards You relating to certain experiences. I know enough now to know that there’s no point pretending otherwise to You. You know me better than I know myself and You see right through every aspect of my heart, even the parts I have been concealing.
Father God, though I would admit that, in hindsight, I now understand that You were doing a work in me through some of the difficult times, this realisation does not magically take away the related hurt and pain. So, today, I choose to proactively hand them over to You. Please take them away and bring Your healing.
Also, Father God, for some of my life experiences, I think I need a deep work of forgiveness. Honestly, I do not think I can do it on my own. Please help me to forgive You. Holy Spirit, please help me to forgive the Father completely.
Today, Father God, I choose to forgive You for not only the things You did, but for how they made me feel and the consequences, some of which I am still grappling with today.
I went on to have an awesome time with the Father where He explained why He had made me walk through a particularly painful valley. He opened my eyes to see that the hurt and pain that I thought I had experienced was nothing compared to that which has consequently been averted. The Lord reassured me that it was because He loved me and my family that He had allowed us to go through those challenges. In addition, He made it clear that He was preparing me for a time to come.
By the end, I was left in awe of God; in deep and complete awe of Him. I went from forgiving Him to seeking His forgiveness for secretly holding distrust, bitterness and resentment towards Him. 😃 As I did, I could hear Him say in my spirit, “That’s okay. Bring it in!” (i.e., for a hug). 😁 🤗 He then reminded me of the importance of knowing Him, truly knowing Him by spending time in His word and in His presence. He finished off by saying, “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free”.
In any and every situation, may we seek His truth. We need to identify the lies that we have been believing, seek God’s word on the matter (I have shared a few scriptures on His goodness below), meditate on the revealed truth, and declare this truth until it goes deep, deep down into our inner man.
Reflections
- Ask the Holy Spirit to shine His torch on your heart to reveal areas you may be holding unforgiveness towards God.
- Speak openly and honestly to the Lord on the matter and forgive Him. If required, ask the Holy Spirit to help you forgive.
- Ask Father God to share His truth on the matter with you and to bind your wounded heart.
Scriptures on God’s goodness
- The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord. (Lamentations 3:22-26 NLT)
- For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 NLT)
- Lord, how wonderful you are! You have stored up so many good things for us, like a treasure chest heaped up and spilling over with blessings— all for those who honor and worship you! Everybody knows what you can do for those who turn and hide themselves in you. (Psalm 31:19 TPT)
- For the Lord God is brighter than the brilliance of a sunrise! Wrapping himself around me like a shield, he is so generous with his gifts of grace and glory. Those who walk along his paths with integrity will never lack one thing they need, for he provides it all! (Psalm 84:11 TPT)
- So we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together for good,[a] for we are his lovers who have been called to fulfill his designed purpose. (Romans 8:28 TPT)
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Thank you for this. I was hurting but now I am in a better place.